I ran across this letter on our computer tonight. This is the wonderful husband that I get to call my own!
My son,
Your Mom has reason to believe that she may be pregnant. We don’t know as of yet if she is. But whether or not she is pregnant is not important at the moment. What is important is that I take these few precious moments that you and your mother are away visiting in ********, to write down my thoughts and feelings about you.
On the night of your birth I was right by your mother. Through every long anguished breath she took during your delivery I was there. Through every push, she held my hand and squeezed until I thought every bone would break. She winced, and yelled, and cussed, and screamed. And then you were here.
I watched for you for what seemed like an eternity. I witnessed every moment of your coming into this world from the top of your head to the bottoms of your feet. As soon as I cut your umbilical cord you were whisked over to a table where they cleaned you up and your mother was whisked into the bathroom where they cleaned her up. In no time flat, I was standing in the delivery room alone. And then I heard you coo.
I thought I was alone, but you were right there in a little bed on a table, just staring around at the world for the first time. As I walked over to you, I wondered if you would know who I was. I looked you in the eyes and said, “Hello Booga. Let me introduce myself. I’m your father. Nice to meet you.” You looked up into my eyes and I felt my heart melting. Just then I smelled something rather ripe coming from you. I hollered out to the nurse in the bathroom with your mother,” I think he just took his first poop.” To which the nurse quickly replied, “So change him.” I said, “But I’ve never changed a diaper before.” Then she said with a hint of finality, “Its not rocket science, you’ll figure it out.” So I found all of the changing supplies under the table you were on and started to work. I remember thinking, “Sorry dude if I don’t get this right, but I’m sure I’ll get better.” And the rest as they say is history…
The first few days of your life were really exciting for all of us. Like when we had to rush you back to the hospital because you had jaundice. Your face and eyes were SO YELLOW. You had your mother and I completely scared to death. We took you to ********, (where you were born) where we waited for two hours just to get a room. Then we waited for another hour just to be told that there was a shortage of nurses that night and that we would have to go to ********. This was New Years Eve, and ******** was very busy. We did get a room however and the nurses were very motherly toward you. Your mother and I waited in the room for a doctor when our stomachs started growling. We then remembered that we hadn’t eaten at all that day. So I asked your mother if she would like a hamburger. To which she said, "Hell Yeah!” So I went to McDonalds. When I returned to the room I found you lying in a bed with a needle connected to a tube sticking out of the side of your head! I totally freaked out! “What the hell is going on?!?! He looks like some sort of frankenbaby!!!” After your mom told me that everything was ok and that this was just standard procedure, and that you didn’t even cry, I started to calm down.
That night you had to stay in a little self contained crib with four walls and a lid made of transparent plastic. Inside the lid were some special dark lights that you had to be exposed to for 24 hours to treat the jaundice. I was alone with you for most of the day because your mother was downstairs in the E.R. getting her legs checked out for blood clots. You had this little mask that you were supposed to wear to protect your eyes from the billiruben lights. YOU HATED IT!!! You kept pulling it off and I kept putting it back on. You would cry pretty much nonstop when you weren’t sleeping because your mom wasn’t with you and you knew that. The only thing that I could do to keep you from crying was to stick my hand into the crib so that you could hold my thumb. I had to talk to you while you held my thumb. After a while we ran out of things to talk about, so I started to read one of my fantasy fiction books to you. It had dragons and adventure in it like most of my books, but you seemed to like it quite a bit. Whenever I would stop talking you would cry. So I read quite a lot that day. Your mother managed to sneak into the room without my knowing it and watched us reading my book and holding hands.
As if that wasn’t enough adventure in the first few days of your life, when we were on our way home to our new house in ******, the car broke down! It was freezing cold and we were stuck in the middle of the road miles away from home! We called a tow truck and soon a policeman came and let us sit in his squad car until the tow truck came. But the tow truck only had room for one passenger not two passengers and a baby car seat. So I asked the policeman if he could take us home and he said no, because he was an ******* policeman not a ****** policeman and he couldn’t drive over the state line. I remembered that I still had an apartment in ******** for another month so I told your mom to go with the tow truck to our house and get her car. Then she could come and get you and me at our old apartment. So the policeman took you and me to our old apartment that we lived in before you were born. It was full of trash and boxes and the heat was off. It was below freezing in there. So I turned on the oven and opened the oven door. I wrapped you up tight in your car seat carrier and sat the carrier on the open oven door so that the heat would roll out over you and keep you warm. I sat on the floor next to you and wrapped up in dirty laundry towels until your mom got there. You were nice and toasty. Come to think of it, you slept through that entire ordeal.
Son, I could spend hours writing of all the events that you have brought into my life, but that’s not why I’m writing to you tonight. I’m sitting in a quiet house without my happy, playful, LOUD son, or his mother. And I am forced to reflect on my life. You are two years and five months old. And the last two years and five months of my life have been the happiest times I have ever experienced. The joy that you bring to me is immeasurable. My own mother, your Ma Ma Moe, once told me that nothing I have ever felt will compare to the love that I will have for my own child one day. And she was more right than I think even she realizes. Booga, you are the only thing that I have done in my entire life that is perfect. In my eyes you are PERFECT. There aren’t enough words in the English language to describe to you how a father feels toward his son. But now I have a glimpse of how God feels toward his only Son. I don’t know if your mother is pregnant or not. But if she is the next kid is already starting out behind the eight ball. For you see, he or she has to follow you, and you are one hell of a hard act to follow. I cannot fathom what you will be like in ten, twenty, or God help me, thirty years from now. Because every time that I look at you all my simple mind can see is my perfect little Booga. Your big blue eyes just melt my heart. They have since the day you were born. Your smile is proof to me that God exists. The sound of your laughter is happiness incarnate. Putting a roof over your head, food in your belly, and clothes on your back; putting diaper doo on your butt, putting you through school, or putting braces on your teeth, all of these things I’d do just to sit next to you on this journey through life.
Just know that no matter what may happen, no matter what mistakes you make, no matter what you may do that upsets me in the future, those moments are fleeting, but my love for you my son, is eternal. I know that I will not always make you happy. I know that there will be decisions that I make that you will not like. I know that I will not always be the only friend you need. But one thing that I do know is that I will always be here for you. Even when the day comes that God calls me home, I will continue to be here for you. And if I do my job right as a father, you will be able to hear me talking to you even then.
I cant tell you how much it means to me to see you come running at me with a big smile on your face when I come home from work wanting me to scoop you up in my arms and hug you. Every time I get to do that, I always hold on longer than you want me to. And I have a feeling that it will be like that in everything that we do together in life. But that’s okay. I was like that with my mother. Your Pa Pa Pa wasn’t around for me much when I was a kid. It wasn’t his fault but he wasn’t around none the less. So Ma Ma Moe was both of my parents rolled into one. I hold on to savor the moment so that I can remember what it’s like in the future when your arms are bigger than mine and I have to look up just to look you in the eyes.
Booga, if your mom and I have another child someday I won’t be able to stop the natural emotions of jealousy that occur in brothers and sisters. But if you ever feel slightly or even remotely neglected because of your future brother or sister, all you need do is tell me so that I can have an excuse to hold you and try to tell you what you mean to me.
I know that I will love whatever child the Good Lord decides to bless us with, but remember Booga…YOU are my first born. YOU are my first love. YOU are MY teacher and all other children that come after you get to benefit from the wisdom that YOU give ME. All that I am that is good and all that I do is for you and your mother. Having the privilege of being your father and her husband is thanks enough for me.
Thank you my son for whatever strings you pulled in heaven to get The Lord Most High to give you to me. I am eternally in His debt for that. And for the rest of your days, may God bless you and Mary keep you. I love you and don’t forget to say your prayers. And may you be in Heaven thirty minutes before the divil knows yer dead.
-Dad
